My Sweet Angel Evelyn

We went in on Friday, September 13th, first appointment of the morning 8:20am, to the doctors office. I had felt her yesterday I was sure I'd hear her heart beating today. It would be like every other appointment, she was amazing the doctors with how long she was able to stay here, and she would continue to. I didn't even bother with my usual routine of no mascara (or at least had to wear waterproof to the doctors.) The nurse came in, to check first. She told us "I'm not very good at this." and one of the doctors had told her to turn on the ultrasound machine in my room as I got there because we would want to see her. They were right we did want to see her, especially after the nurse could find no heartbeat. I tried not to think of it too much, surly she was just not very good at finding one like she said and the doctor and ultrasound tech would come in and put all my deepest fears at bay. That is what I hoped for, that is what I always hoped for. For Heavenly Father to see it fit to heal this precious little girl. I knew it wasn't his plan, he had answered my prayers and sent comfort. Over and over I felt that this was good, it didn't mean it was easy but it was good! I knew we would see her again no matter what happened, I knew she was part of our family I had felt it. I knew she was my little girl bond to us by something stronger than anything on earth.
They kept us waiting, I think no one wanted to come in knowing what was happening. Finally the ultrasound tech came in, I felt so bad for her, that she was the one who had to do it. She was pregnant, probably about in the same month I was. She put the machine on my belly, and we knew instantly, she wasn't there. There was my little girl and no heart beat. She took a few pictures for the doctors and then looked at me, we both knew. She said showed us her little chest and said "This is her heart and I am so sorry, there isn't a heart beat." She started to cry and I ached I ached for the woman who had to see I ached for my little girl to be with me. I ached for what I knew I would have to do that day.
Doctor Evans came in, and I just have to say that without his care throughout this pregnancy I don't know how we could have done it! He was so tender and kind and asked if we would like to go ahead with the induction today, and we did we knew we should have her as soon as possible to preserve her body as best we could. He apologized and spoke to us for a few minuets. Then left to go prepare the instructions for the hospital. Rob took the kids outside to the car and started to call the people that we needed so that the kids would be taken care of and his mom could come down. I sat in the room waiting for my blood to be drawn and texted the Relief Society president and a couple others so that I could have my children taken care of till family arrived. They took care of everything that day.
I waited for the nurse she came in and took blood and a few vital signs of mine. Then Doctor Evans came in and felt my belly again and told me how the day could go and what we would do. I found out what the day would be like for us. He gave me the papers for the hospital and told me he would check in on me soon. I walked out to the car as calmly as I could. I got into the car Rob and I talked about if he should drop me off at the hospital and then come or (as we both wanted) go home get things packed that we knew we wanted (we already had the hospital bag mostly packed.)
We took the kids home and explained to them that Mommy and Daddy were going to the hospital to have baby Evelyn. We told them that she had already gone back to be with Heavenly Father. Andi asked a few questions and Rocky was just excited to go to his friends house and get to ride the bus home. We dropped the kids off so grateful to the friends and family who helped out. And headed to the hospital.
I would say one of the top 5 worst drives of my life, driving to the hospital knowing I would be leaving empty handed. As I met my nurse she was so sweet and so caring and concerned for how we were doing the whole time. She got me ready and started the medication to induce my labor. It worked very well within the first hour my contractions had started and by the 1.5 hour mark they were right on top of each other, as they would continue to do so for the next 6 hours. I was getting exhausted and not knowing how long it would take tried to rest, but that also would not come easily. We spent time off and on crying and talking about how excited we were to meet her and to hold her. Longing for the time when we could just hold her and tell her how much we loved her.
Dr. Evans came and checked on us asked us if we would like any pain medication and told us he would stay near by, but as with this type of induction they usually go from nothing to time to push. Within the hour I chose to get an epidural, 10 minutes after receiving one, I asked the nurse to go get Dr. Evans.

She was my hardest delivery. We had to be so careful during delivery to ensure her safety, Dr. Evan's so so careful with her and the nurses handled her so gently. I asked them to let Rob hold her until I was done delivering the placenta, but both seeing I was desperate for her they laid her gently in my arms.
My emotions were overwhelming. No one will ever understand the impact this beautiful baby had on our family. She saved us, she gave us hope, and peace and to hold this baby to lovely and perfect for this world, what overwhelming gratitude I had to a loving Heavenly Father for allowing me to be the mother to such a perfect soul. Every moment we spent with her will be cherished forever. All I could tell you is that holding her was like holding a part of Heaven that was a sacred part of me.
They took her from us for just a little bit to get us foot and hand prints and to clean her up a bit. That time was hard. Every time someone walked by the door I was ready to see Evelyn.
They brought her back, this time in a beautiful crocheted blanket that was wrapped around her with a ribbon, she just was perfect. But this time I knew we would not have much more time with her. I felt it deep within me that I would need to notify the mortuary to come get my little girl from me. I told Rob I couldn't hand her over, and asked if he would be one to do it. We spent the last little bit just holding her and each other. It was a sacred time for us.
Then the time came to let her go. Rob had her, and handed her so gently over to the man who would prepare my daughter for her burial. He wrapped her so gently in a blanket and asked us a few questions and we said good bye.
We wept. We just sat in the hospital bed holding each other and missing her. Even though her spirit was no longer in her little body. We longed for her and we cried.
I wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible, I wanted to be home with my other children. I didn't want to stay here without Evelyn. I asked the nurse when is the soonest time I could leave. They told me not till morning, but eventually got them to allow me to leave at 4am. I was so grateful to leave in the middle of the night, there were no visitors only the nurses sad faces as I left empty handed, wheeled out to the car with only a box of her things. That was the hardest drive I've ever made. Heavenly Father knew it too, so he sent us a little something to help lighten our spirits. As we drove down the road to our house there was 15 or so loose horses. Just walking down the road, we called the police (as they were in the middle of the road, and we were sure a farmer would wonder where all his horses had gone.) At first when we only saw the first horse that maybe someone just needed a ride at four in the morning. And then I remarked how the farmer must have woken up looked at his wife and said "Well I think I'll go take the horses for a walk." It was just something little that made that drive just a little easier.
I was so happy and sad to be home at the same time. Evelyn was supposed to be with me. I went upstairs and showered and got ready to go to sleep. But sleep was hard. I kept going to feel my belly like I had so much the past 6 months, only to be reminded that she was no longer there. I cried and it came to the point where my eyes were so swollen that it hurt to cry or even have them open.

The next day we answered more of Andi's questions and had to go to the mortuary to pick out Evelyn's casket and make the funeral arrangements. Andi had chosen one of her toys to give to baby Evelyn and wanted a bow wrapped around it so it could be a gift. Rocky drew Evelyn a picture. Rob and I had a blanket I made for her and because she could not be in clothes I made a clip so that she could be wrapped in and snuggled tight. There was also a hat I had made for her where she could rest her head. The sweet nurse had given Evelyn a tiny bracelet and then had the same thing put into a necklace for me, she told me so that I could keep her close to my heart. I was so grateful for the thoughtfulness of this nurse and later learned that she did all the things for mothers who loose their babies for the hospital. We had all those things ready and took them with us to the mortuary.

Looking at infants caskets was not my favorite and I was glad we had called ahead of time and already selected one for our baby so all we had to do was check to make sure it was the one we wanted. We gave the man the things that were to be in the casket with her and left with heavy hearts. We still had to go and get flowers. Andi wanted to give her baby sister flowers so I told her I would get flowers and each one of our children could make their own bouquet for her and wrap it
in ribbon and decorate it however they wanted to. They did a beautiful job each picking a special thing to put on their flowers.

We had some family come into town to say good-bye to our little Evelyn and the funeral was beautiful just a small gravesite service. Andi asked why we die. It was a lovely time to tell her, that Heavenly Father loves us so much, so much that he just doesn't want us to be away from him forever. Just like she likes to come to us, we told her how Evelyn was so special that Heavenly Father decided that he couldn't no be away from her for too long, so He picked us to be a family for Evelyn and now she has a special sister that she will be able to meet someday. She was so happy and excited.
I am so grateful that right before she passed (the Wednesday before) we took family pictures, so that we would have family pictures with her no matter what.

 As I was pondering last night, I just can't help but think that it really is hard. I miss Evelyn more that I can express. However I would not give this experience for anything, I would do it again to have Evelyn in our family and to have gained and lost what I have. I had the thought come that I wouldn't want to miss the waterfall in the river. And as I thought of that our lives are just like a river, some spots are calm and wonderful, others are rough and as a rafter or to cross the river at that point is extremely difficult and waterfalls the part where there is no way for you to make it down by yourself alive. Those are the most beautiful parts. I know that I was gently let down the waterfall and that it has made my life more beautiful in so many ways. It's a part where people pass to see the beauty in a life. And that is why I share this with you. This was my waterfall right now. And it is beautiful and perfect, just like Evelyn and it is a part of me that has shaped my life in ways I never thought possible.

Evelyn Grace Doty

It's been almost three weeks, three weeks since a day that we had planned so carefully and prepared so happily was to come. There was to be a party, we planned a cake. Invited a couple friends. We took our children with us that morning. I made sure each one was clean and looked adorable to see their new family member for the first time. So much anticipation was Andi going to get the sister she had been praying for or were we going to have a little boy join the ranks, either way we were thrilled. I had kept myself busy that weekend thinking of our little one. I felt it was a little girl, I knew one was missing from our family, so I wanted to do a pink punch at the party, but what if it was a little boy! I couldn't have pink punch for my little boy! Orange Julius that would be perfect, didn't show any preference for a boy or girl. Those were the silly things I had been thinking about before that morning. We went into the doctors office, our ultra sound was first. There was our baby! So beautiful and perfect! Andi just kept looking at our little baby so excitedly! Something was wrong though I could tell, I could see it on the Ultrasound techs face. She was hardly talking to us, when she was usually upbeat and telling us all about what we were seeing. But she didn't say anything so I put it out of my mind, and just enjoyed watching her little heat beat. She finished and the kids were restless so Rob offered to take the kids to the car as the visit with the doctor is usually quite short after that. I sat waiting for 40 minutes for the doctor, my heart was pounding my children were in the car with Rob. I had this feeling or thought come, something was wrong something was wrong with my baby in a way that could not be fixed. And then a second thought; this is not your last one. I was almost in tears, the waiting was killing me, how were my children doing out there, my poor husband, they should have just come in with me. Then a nurse walks in and tells me the doctor just left to go deliver "Can you wait 20 minutes?" Rob was supposed to go to work in a few minutes, we already had waited so long. I explained to her that I had already been waiting and that my children and husband were in the car waiting for me and that I could not. She said she'd be right back and that my other doctor would be in to see me. A few more minutes past and then he came in, and he starting telling me about my baby. "We're seeing a few things on the ultrasound that aren't right, and unfortunately when we see more than two or three of these things it doesn't look like your baby will make it." He begins to explain all the abnormalities with our baby and asks if there is a time that my husband could come in so we can all talk about it together, I have silent tears streaming down my face, I tell him that he's just out in the car with our kids, they send a nurse out to sit with our kids so Rob can be with me and tell us the next steps we have to take for our little baby.  Rob comes in unsure of why, because he can't stop thinking I just saw the heartbeat what could be wrong? I again hear the grim diagnosis of our little one and they tell us we will immediately want a second opinion and want us to see a high risk specialist as soon as possible. We ask if they were at least able to see if our baby was a boy or girl, they tell us that she is just too swollen, and that we can just leave no need to check out with the ladies at the front that they will take care of everything including making the appointment with the high risk specialist and will call us as soon as they have everything done. We leave unsure of what to tell the kids. Rob takes the day off work and we talk to our children about our little one and let them know that the baby is sick, but with few answers for ourselves we can hardly answer theirs. That day was spent in prayer in gratitude for our little one, asking for peace and comfort. And a miracle. All day long the tears would come and go, we sent a text message out and told them that we wouldn't be having a party that night, they couldn't see the gender and nothing else. The appointment was set for first thing the next morning, thank heavens because I don't think that we could have waited any longer. We left our oldest children with our neighbor as we drove bright and early to Idaho Falls. We saw the ultrasound, they explained in greater detail what was happening with our little one. She has cystic hygroma, two large cysts growing on the back of her neck that are filled with fluid, that fluid is leaking into her cavities around her lungs and heart. The pressure that puts on the heart will eventually stop it. It's also what is causing her to be so swollen, and we still couldn't see the gender. They wanted to do a test that would require amniotic fluid, however she had very little. Her cysts were pushing her little head against me causing her to only have access to about 2 tablespoons of fluid, and if we tried that test we would most likely only seal her fiat. So they asked if they could do a different blood test, one where they would try to find enough of my child's blood out of mine that they could find the cause of her cystic hygroma. They told us it could be one of three chromosomal disorders. Only one of which would give her any chance at life. Because of how swollen the baby was we couldn't see all of the vital organs, we had no idea. They told us it would be a huge miracle if she made it to delivery, and that we could have anywhere between hours and months with our little one. We left feeling like we had more questions then when we went in! We sat most of the day feeling every kick every movement we possibly could. We chose names, I started to work on crocheting two small blankets, one if it was a boy, one for a girl. Planning for the worst, and still hopeful for the best. I had to go back into my doctor's office in Rexburg the next day to discuss the specialist findings and to come up with a plan for our baby. As we went in they told us that they believed with from what they had seen and with the specialists findings that our baby had 1-2 weeks top and then I would have to go in a deliver a child I would never hold alive. They gave us the option of being induced, for my health. I couldn't do it, I couldn't think of ending that sweet heart beat no matter what. We asked for an ultrasound so that we would be able to see her just once more alive. The ultra sound tech was so sweet she just stayed there till after 6pm giving us almost an hour long ultrasound. We saw her beautiful hand it was so perfect it looked just like Nuel's tiny and chubby. She made us a video and printed off pictures, I am so overwhelmingly grateful for them.  Because they only gave her a couple of weeks we were to come in every day to every other day and check her. We waited on pins and needles to hear the results of the test, find out if we were having a girl or boy. On Wednesday two days before we were supposed to hear back (at the earliest) I got a call from the specialists office. It's a girl, we were having a little girl we had chosen a girls name before we became pregnant, but it wasn't fitting for her. We chose Evelyn Grace Doty. Evelyn was to be the middle name originally it means life, and she has truly given us new life and new purpose and new hope. She has Turner Syndrome, the only one that gave her any chance at life. The doctor asked us how bad my bleeding or cramps were, I told her I haven't had any, that she's an active little girl and that Rob was still able to feel her. She was very surprised, and said who knows maybe she's resolving her cystic hygroma. They wanted us to come back in and see how she was doing with them as soon as possible which happened to be Monday. We were so excited once again, ignoring the fact that we both had felt she would not make it and that was okay. We still prayed for a miracle ignoring the fact that Evelyn was already a miracle! We got into the office and had to wait for about an hour to be seen! We were dying. We got in there and as soon as they started the ultrasound I knew. I knew a lot of what they would tell me and I knew she would not make it. The specialist began to explain that she was in critical condition and that she would most likely pass within the week. He explained that the swelling had gotten significantly worse than it was just the almost two weeks before. She was so much more swollen. The fluid was pooling and was continuing to cause problems with her major organs. Instead of seeing four chambers to her heart, two were being completely cut off, leaving the other half of her heart to work much harder. The doctor apologized for the bad news and asked if we had any questions. We really didn't have any. We left quickly and go to the car and just wanted to break down. That was it. There was no way for her to make it through this and we knew it. Not because it was impossible but that a loving Heavenly Father was looking out for us and taking care of us and it was not best for her to come right now. Evelyn is our little girl we know that she will be part of our family forever. We have been so blessed throughout this experience and even though it's hard and it sucks, we have been able to feel the love of our Heavenly Father. She has changed our lives forever.
Written Days Later...
Some days are better than others, some days it just smacks you in the face that it could be my last day with Evelyn. That it might be the last kick I ever feel. However I am continually reminded that we hope to endure things, that trials are all blessings and all that all we go through is necessary for our salvation. And I am so blessed to have my wonderful Hubby to be there with me, that we can support and lift each other up. This is an experience that a loving Heavenly Father has picked out just for us and our family, even though I am definitely not the first to experience this and surely not the last, everyones experience is still different and this is tailor made for us, to give us experience. I am so grateful for it. But I am still so scared, I am so scared to deliver my sweet child. I am terrified of saying good bye for a time when we lay her to rest.  I am still taking it one day at a time and pray for her continually. I don't want her to feel pain and most of all I want what is best for her, and I don't know what that is, there is only One who does and His will be done.
She is continuing to surprise everyone with the fact that she is still here at all. Thank you to all who have prayed for, fasted for and put her name in the temple. She is fighting, she is fighting hard to stay with us a little longer.