My Sweet Angel Evelyn

We went in on Friday, September 13th, first appointment of the morning 8:20am, to the doctors office. I had felt her yesterday I was sure I'd hear her heart beating today. It would be like every other appointment, she was amazing the doctors with how long she was able to stay here, and she would continue to. I didn't even bother with my usual routine of no mascara (or at least had to wear waterproof to the doctors.) The nurse came in, to check first. She told us "I'm not very good at this." and one of the doctors had told her to turn on the ultrasound machine in my room as I got there because we would want to see her. They were right we did want to see her, especially after the nurse could find no heartbeat. I tried not to think of it too much, surly she was just not very good at finding one like she said and the doctor and ultrasound tech would come in and put all my deepest fears at bay. That is what I hoped for, that is what I always hoped for. For Heavenly Father to see it fit to heal this precious little girl. I knew it wasn't his plan, he had answered my prayers and sent comfort. Over and over I felt that this was good, it didn't mean it was easy but it was good! I knew we would see her again no matter what happened, I knew she was part of our family I had felt it. I knew she was my little girl bond to us by something stronger than anything on earth.
They kept us waiting, I think no one wanted to come in knowing what was happening. Finally the ultrasound tech came in, I felt so bad for her, that she was the one who had to do it. She was pregnant, probably about in the same month I was. She put the machine on my belly, and we knew instantly, she wasn't there. There was my little girl and no heart beat. She took a few pictures for the doctors and then looked at me, we both knew. She said showed us her little chest and said "This is her heart and I am so sorry, there isn't a heart beat." She started to cry and I ached I ached for the woman who had to see I ached for my little girl to be with me. I ached for what I knew I would have to do that day.
Doctor Evans came in, and I just have to say that without his care throughout this pregnancy I don't know how we could have done it! He was so tender and kind and asked if we would like to go ahead with the induction today, and we did we knew we should have her as soon as possible to preserve her body as best we could. He apologized and spoke to us for a few minuets. Then left to go prepare the instructions for the hospital. Rob took the kids outside to the car and started to call the people that we needed so that the kids would be taken care of and his mom could come down. I sat in the room waiting for my blood to be drawn and texted the Relief Society president and a couple others so that I could have my children taken care of till family arrived. They took care of everything that day.
I waited for the nurse she came in and took blood and a few vital signs of mine. Then Doctor Evans came in and felt my belly again and told me how the day could go and what we would do. I found out what the day would be like for us. He gave me the papers for the hospital and told me he would check in on me soon. I walked out to the car as calmly as I could. I got into the car Rob and I talked about if he should drop me off at the hospital and then come or (as we both wanted) go home get things packed that we knew we wanted (we already had the hospital bag mostly packed.)
We took the kids home and explained to them that Mommy and Daddy were going to the hospital to have baby Evelyn. We told them that she had already gone back to be with Heavenly Father. Andi asked a few questions and Rocky was just excited to go to his friends house and get to ride the bus home. We dropped the kids off so grateful to the friends and family who helped out. And headed to the hospital.
I would say one of the top 5 worst drives of my life, driving to the hospital knowing I would be leaving empty handed. As I met my nurse she was so sweet and so caring and concerned for how we were doing the whole time. She got me ready and started the medication to induce my labor. It worked very well within the first hour my contractions had started and by the 1.5 hour mark they were right on top of each other, as they would continue to do so for the next 6 hours. I was getting exhausted and not knowing how long it would take tried to rest, but that also would not come easily. We spent time off and on crying and talking about how excited we were to meet her and to hold her. Longing for the time when we could just hold her and tell her how much we loved her.
Dr. Evans came and checked on us asked us if we would like any pain medication and told us he would stay near by, but as with this type of induction they usually go from nothing to time to push. Within the hour I chose to get an epidural, 10 minutes after receiving one, I asked the nurse to go get Dr. Evans.

She was my hardest delivery. We had to be so careful during delivery to ensure her safety, Dr. Evan's so so careful with her and the nurses handled her so gently. I asked them to let Rob hold her until I was done delivering the placenta, but both seeing I was desperate for her they laid her gently in my arms.
My emotions were overwhelming. No one will ever understand the impact this beautiful baby had on our family. She saved us, she gave us hope, and peace and to hold this baby to lovely and perfect for this world, what overwhelming gratitude I had to a loving Heavenly Father for allowing me to be the mother to such a perfect soul. Every moment we spent with her will be cherished forever. All I could tell you is that holding her was like holding a part of Heaven that was a sacred part of me.
They took her from us for just a little bit to get us foot and hand prints and to clean her up a bit. That time was hard. Every time someone walked by the door I was ready to see Evelyn.
They brought her back, this time in a beautiful crocheted blanket that was wrapped around her with a ribbon, she just was perfect. But this time I knew we would not have much more time with her. I felt it deep within me that I would need to notify the mortuary to come get my little girl from me. I told Rob I couldn't hand her over, and asked if he would be one to do it. We spent the last little bit just holding her and each other. It was a sacred time for us.
Then the time came to let her go. Rob had her, and handed her so gently over to the man who would prepare my daughter for her burial. He wrapped her so gently in a blanket and asked us a few questions and we said good bye.
We wept. We just sat in the hospital bed holding each other and missing her. Even though her spirit was no longer in her little body. We longed for her and we cried.
I wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible, I wanted to be home with my other children. I didn't want to stay here without Evelyn. I asked the nurse when is the soonest time I could leave. They told me not till morning, but eventually got them to allow me to leave at 4am. I was so grateful to leave in the middle of the night, there were no visitors only the nurses sad faces as I left empty handed, wheeled out to the car with only a box of her things. That was the hardest drive I've ever made. Heavenly Father knew it too, so he sent us a little something to help lighten our spirits. As we drove down the road to our house there was 15 or so loose horses. Just walking down the road, we called the police (as they were in the middle of the road, and we were sure a farmer would wonder where all his horses had gone.) At first when we only saw the first horse that maybe someone just needed a ride at four in the morning. And then I remarked how the farmer must have woken up looked at his wife and said "Well I think I'll go take the horses for a walk." It was just something little that made that drive just a little easier.
I was so happy and sad to be home at the same time. Evelyn was supposed to be with me. I went upstairs and showered and got ready to go to sleep. But sleep was hard. I kept going to feel my belly like I had so much the past 6 months, only to be reminded that she was no longer there. I cried and it came to the point where my eyes were so swollen that it hurt to cry or even have them open.

The next day we answered more of Andi's questions and had to go to the mortuary to pick out Evelyn's casket and make the funeral arrangements. Andi had chosen one of her toys to give to baby Evelyn and wanted a bow wrapped around it so it could be a gift. Rocky drew Evelyn a picture. Rob and I had a blanket I made for her and because she could not be in clothes I made a clip so that she could be wrapped in and snuggled tight. There was also a hat I had made for her where she could rest her head. The sweet nurse had given Evelyn a tiny bracelet and then had the same thing put into a necklace for me, she told me so that I could keep her close to my heart. I was so grateful for the thoughtfulness of this nurse and later learned that she did all the things for mothers who loose their babies for the hospital. We had all those things ready and took them with us to the mortuary.

Looking at infants caskets was not my favorite and I was glad we had called ahead of time and already selected one for our baby so all we had to do was check to make sure it was the one we wanted. We gave the man the things that were to be in the casket with her and left with heavy hearts. We still had to go and get flowers. Andi wanted to give her baby sister flowers so I told her I would get flowers and each one of our children could make their own bouquet for her and wrap it
in ribbon and decorate it however they wanted to. They did a beautiful job each picking a special thing to put on their flowers.

We had some family come into town to say good-bye to our little Evelyn and the funeral was beautiful just a small gravesite service. Andi asked why we die. It was a lovely time to tell her, that Heavenly Father loves us so much, so much that he just doesn't want us to be away from him forever. Just like she likes to come to us, we told her how Evelyn was so special that Heavenly Father decided that he couldn't no be away from her for too long, so He picked us to be a family for Evelyn and now she has a special sister that she will be able to meet someday. She was so happy and excited.
I am so grateful that right before she passed (the Wednesday before) we took family pictures, so that we would have family pictures with her no matter what.

 As I was pondering last night, I just can't help but think that it really is hard. I miss Evelyn more that I can express. However I would not give this experience for anything, I would do it again to have Evelyn in our family and to have gained and lost what I have. I had the thought come that I wouldn't want to miss the waterfall in the river. And as I thought of that our lives are just like a river, some spots are calm and wonderful, others are rough and as a rafter or to cross the river at that point is extremely difficult and waterfalls the part where there is no way for you to make it down by yourself alive. Those are the most beautiful parts. I know that I was gently let down the waterfall and that it has made my life more beautiful in so many ways. It's a part where people pass to see the beauty in a life. And that is why I share this with you. This was my waterfall right now. And it is beautiful and perfect, just like Evelyn and it is a part of me that has shaped my life in ways I never thought possible.