A Happy New Years

New Year's is a different time for everyone, some making goals, others celebrating the year before and other various activities. I decided to write. I haven't written in a while. Since loosing Evelyn, I so joyfully share that we have welcomed twin boys. God has blessed our family again and again.We also moved across the country since I last wrote, my husband accepting a job that provides for our family and we feel blessed. New Year's reminds me of that. It also reminds that another year has gone by and I still miss my darling little angel.

It's hard to describe the feeling of having held your child moments after giving birth (even knowing she's already gone) and still feeling blessed, and painful loss. I still wonder what she looks like, if she was the one who broke the blonde train and was a beautiful brunette. There are every day reminders, not painful just reminders. I smile when thinking of her, my newly turned four year old comes every night without fail and asks for cuddles, or kisses, or hugs, but mostly cuddles. I cannot help but give in, I think of Evelyn and how I'd give most anything to feel her sweet arms around me and whisper to her how much she is loved. But I know she knows, even though I cried that I wasn't there to put a gift on her grave this year or have her siblings draw her pictures and sing her songs of Christ's Birth.
I wish I could have held her longer, closer though I held her longer than anyone, felt her more. We didn't share this news with anyone, but I miscarried last month. We had decided we were done after the twins and this little one was a beautiful surprise. My due date would have been in early August. I was again thinking of baby names and planning how on earth I was going to do this so far from family and friends. I realized that the timing could not have been more perfect and God was watching over us. Thinking over it, I know it still can be no other way, God is mindful of us, he knows me. He sees me cry and sends comfort, overwhelmingly as I ask. I know my pregnancy stats leave a lot to be desired at 5 losses and 4 to bringing Heavenly Fathers children into my home, but I am blessed. I know it, and I am grateful.

That brings me back to the New Year, though over two years have gone by since she left us I miss her. I can't help it, I wouldn't want to. Because she also reminds me its a new year to come closer to Christ, it's a new time to more fully serve those around me including my family. That doesn't mean doing more, but better at making the best choice, (or even sometime the better one)  It's a time I remember I am a year closer to her, because as I grow closer to my Savior I grow closer to my goal of having an eternal family. Though I am literally crying as I write this I feel joy, because God has granted me more time to learn and grow to be worthy of being her mother. Of being the mother to five incredible and beautiful children who are growing so fast I am amazed! This New Years, if you're like me and weep a bit here and there, know you are not alone.  And if you would like join me in counting your blessings, "name them one by one..." I know you can feel joy as well, even amidst sadness. I'll be counting Evelyn twice, without her I would not have learned so many lessons, as I continue to do.

This isn't at all how I planned this post to go, so hopefully it's something someone needed. If not, I'll still be here counting my blessings;

1. A loving Heavenly Father
2. Jesus Christ
3. The Holy Ghost
4. Rocky 
5. Andi
6. Noodle
7. Evelyn
8. Evelyn
9. Ethan 
10. Henry 
11. Robert 
12. Kara 
13. Rocky
14. Nuel 
15. Marlene
16. Nicole
17. Whitney
18. Heather
19. Carisa 
20. Angela
21. Desiree
22. Orion
23. Kaysha
24. Lynn
25. Darrell
26. Robert
27. MacKay
28. Nick
29. James
30. Hyrum
31. pregnancy number 2
32. pregnancy number 3
33. pregnancy number 6
34. pregnancy number 9
35. Family- because I am blessed with a large extended one
36. The Book of Mormon
37. Thomas S Monson
38. Henry B Eyring
39. The missionaries
40. My husbands job
41. That I get to be a stay at home mom, as my choice
42. my home, with a roof over my head and modern conveniences 
43. that my children have never been hungry
44. that I can/do feed others
45. Scriptures
46. Church
47. Service men and women
48. Those who fight for good, i.e. Tim Ballard and OUR rescue
49. Authors 
50. (I'll have to name a few specific) Sarah M Eden
51. Jen Turano (who made me laugh first after loosing Evelyn)
52. Jennifer Moore
53. Julianne Donaldson
54. Melissa Jaegers 
55. Carla Kelly
56. This could really go on for a while with authors so last one for now, Karen Witemeyer 
57. Air conditioning that keeps me and my children comfortable in the florida heat!
58. History and historic sites near my home
59. General Conference.... 

My Sweet Angel Evelyn

We went in on Friday, September 13th, first appointment of the morning 8:20am, to the doctors office. I had felt her yesterday I was sure I'd hear her heart beating today. It would be like every other appointment, she was amazing the doctors with how long she was able to stay here, and she would continue to. I didn't even bother with my usual routine of no mascara (or at least had to wear waterproof to the doctors.) The nurse came in, to check first. She told us "I'm not very good at this." and one of the doctors had told her to turn on the ultrasound machine in my room as I got there because we would want to see her. They were right we did want to see her, especially after the nurse could find no heartbeat. I tried not to think of it too much, surly she was just not very good at finding one like she said and the doctor and ultrasound tech would come in and put all my deepest fears at bay. That is what I hoped for, that is what I always hoped for. For Heavenly Father to see it fit to heal this precious little girl. I knew it wasn't his plan, he had answered my prayers and sent comfort. Over and over I felt that this was good, it didn't mean it was easy but it was good! I knew we would see her again no matter what happened, I knew she was part of our family I had felt it. I knew she was my little girl bond to us by something stronger than anything on earth.
They kept us waiting, I think no one wanted to come in knowing what was happening. Finally the ultrasound tech came in, I felt so bad for her, that she was the one who had to do it. She was pregnant, probably about in the same month I was. She put the machine on my belly, and we knew instantly, she wasn't there. There was my little girl and no heart beat. She took a few pictures for the doctors and then looked at me, we both knew. She said showed us her little chest and said "This is her heart and I am so sorry, there isn't a heart beat." She started to cry and I ached I ached for the woman who had to see I ached for my little girl to be with me. I ached for what I knew I would have to do that day.
Doctor Evans came in, and I just have to say that without his care throughout this pregnancy I don't know how we could have done it! He was so tender and kind and asked if we would like to go ahead with the induction today, and we did we knew we should have her as soon as possible to preserve her body as best we could. He apologized and spoke to us for a few minuets. Then left to go prepare the instructions for the hospital. Rob took the kids outside to the car and started to call the people that we needed so that the kids would be taken care of and his mom could come down. I sat in the room waiting for my blood to be drawn and texted the Relief Society president and a couple others so that I could have my children taken care of till family arrived. They took care of everything that day.
I waited for the nurse she came in and took blood and a few vital signs of mine. Then Doctor Evans came in and felt my belly again and told me how the day could go and what we would do. I found out what the day would be like for us. He gave me the papers for the hospital and told me he would check in on me soon. I walked out to the car as calmly as I could. I got into the car Rob and I talked about if he should drop me off at the hospital and then come or (as we both wanted) go home get things packed that we knew we wanted (we already had the hospital bag mostly packed.)
We took the kids home and explained to them that Mommy and Daddy were going to the hospital to have baby Evelyn. We told them that she had already gone back to be with Heavenly Father. Andi asked a few questions and Rocky was just excited to go to his friends house and get to ride the bus home. We dropped the kids off so grateful to the friends and family who helped out. And headed to the hospital.
I would say one of the top 5 worst drives of my life, driving to the hospital knowing I would be leaving empty handed. As I met my nurse she was so sweet and so caring and concerned for how we were doing the whole time. She got me ready and started the medication to induce my labor. It worked very well within the first hour my contractions had started and by the 1.5 hour mark they were right on top of each other, as they would continue to do so for the next 6 hours. I was getting exhausted and not knowing how long it would take tried to rest, but that also would not come easily. We spent time off and on crying and talking about how excited we were to meet her and to hold her. Longing for the time when we could just hold her and tell her how much we loved her.
Dr. Evans came and checked on us asked us if we would like any pain medication and told us he would stay near by, but as with this type of induction they usually go from nothing to time to push. Within the hour I chose to get an epidural, 10 minutes after receiving one, I asked the nurse to go get Dr. Evans.

She was my hardest delivery. We had to be so careful during delivery to ensure her safety, Dr. Evan's so so careful with her and the nurses handled her so gently. I asked them to let Rob hold her until I was done delivering the placenta, but both seeing I was desperate for her they laid her gently in my arms.
My emotions were overwhelming. No one will ever understand the impact this beautiful baby had on our family. She saved us, she gave us hope, and peace and to hold this baby to lovely and perfect for this world, what overwhelming gratitude I had to a loving Heavenly Father for allowing me to be the mother to such a perfect soul. Every moment we spent with her will be cherished forever. All I could tell you is that holding her was like holding a part of Heaven that was a sacred part of me.
They took her from us for just a little bit to get us foot and hand prints and to clean her up a bit. That time was hard. Every time someone walked by the door I was ready to see Evelyn.
They brought her back, this time in a beautiful crocheted blanket that was wrapped around her with a ribbon, she just was perfect. But this time I knew we would not have much more time with her. I felt it deep within me that I would need to notify the mortuary to come get my little girl from me. I told Rob I couldn't hand her over, and asked if he would be one to do it. We spent the last little bit just holding her and each other. It was a sacred time for us.
Then the time came to let her go. Rob had her, and handed her so gently over to the man who would prepare my daughter for her burial. He wrapped her so gently in a blanket and asked us a few questions and we said good bye.
We wept. We just sat in the hospital bed holding each other and missing her. Even though her spirit was no longer in her little body. We longed for her and we cried.
I wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible, I wanted to be home with my other children. I didn't want to stay here without Evelyn. I asked the nurse when is the soonest time I could leave. They told me not till morning, but eventually got them to allow me to leave at 4am. I was so grateful to leave in the middle of the night, there were no visitors only the nurses sad faces as I left empty handed, wheeled out to the car with only a box of her things. That was the hardest drive I've ever made. Heavenly Father knew it too, so he sent us a little something to help lighten our spirits. As we drove down the road to our house there was 15 or so loose horses. Just walking down the road, we called the police (as they were in the middle of the road, and we were sure a farmer would wonder where all his horses had gone.) At first when we only saw the first horse that maybe someone just needed a ride at four in the morning. And then I remarked how the farmer must have woken up looked at his wife and said "Well I think I'll go take the horses for a walk." It was just something little that made that drive just a little easier.
I was so happy and sad to be home at the same time. Evelyn was supposed to be with me. I went upstairs and showered and got ready to go to sleep. But sleep was hard. I kept going to feel my belly like I had so much the past 6 months, only to be reminded that she was no longer there. I cried and it came to the point where my eyes were so swollen that it hurt to cry or even have them open.

The next day we answered more of Andi's questions and had to go to the mortuary to pick out Evelyn's casket and make the funeral arrangements. Andi had chosen one of her toys to give to baby Evelyn and wanted a bow wrapped around it so it could be a gift. Rocky drew Evelyn a picture. Rob and I had a blanket I made for her and because she could not be in clothes I made a clip so that she could be wrapped in and snuggled tight. There was also a hat I had made for her where she could rest her head. The sweet nurse had given Evelyn a tiny bracelet and then had the same thing put into a necklace for me, she told me so that I could keep her close to my heart. I was so grateful for the thoughtfulness of this nurse and later learned that she did all the things for mothers who loose their babies for the hospital. We had all those things ready and took them with us to the mortuary.

Looking at infants caskets was not my favorite and I was glad we had called ahead of time and already selected one for our baby so all we had to do was check to make sure it was the one we wanted. We gave the man the things that were to be in the casket with her and left with heavy hearts. We still had to go and get flowers. Andi wanted to give her baby sister flowers so I told her I would get flowers and each one of our children could make their own bouquet for her and wrap it
in ribbon and decorate it however they wanted to. They did a beautiful job each picking a special thing to put on their flowers.

We had some family come into town to say good-bye to our little Evelyn and the funeral was beautiful just a small gravesite service. Andi asked why we die. It was a lovely time to tell her, that Heavenly Father loves us so much, so much that he just doesn't want us to be away from him forever. Just like she likes to come to us, we told her how Evelyn was so special that Heavenly Father decided that he couldn't no be away from her for too long, so He picked us to be a family for Evelyn and now she has a special sister that she will be able to meet someday. She was so happy and excited.
I am so grateful that right before she passed (the Wednesday before) we took family pictures, so that we would have family pictures with her no matter what.

 As I was pondering last night, I just can't help but think that it really is hard. I miss Evelyn more that I can express. However I would not give this experience for anything, I would do it again to have Evelyn in our family and to have gained and lost what I have. I had the thought come that I wouldn't want to miss the waterfall in the river. And as I thought of that our lives are just like a river, some spots are calm and wonderful, others are rough and as a rafter or to cross the river at that point is extremely difficult and waterfalls the part where there is no way for you to make it down by yourself alive. Those are the most beautiful parts. I know that I was gently let down the waterfall and that it has made my life more beautiful in so many ways. It's a part where people pass to see the beauty in a life. And that is why I share this with you. This was my waterfall right now. And it is beautiful and perfect, just like Evelyn and it is a part of me that has shaped my life in ways I never thought possible.

Evelyn Grace Doty

It's been almost three weeks, three weeks since a day that we had planned so carefully and prepared so happily was to come. There was to be a party, we planned a cake. Invited a couple friends. We took our children with us that morning. I made sure each one was clean and looked adorable to see their new family member for the first time. So much anticipation was Andi going to get the sister she had been praying for or were we going to have a little boy join the ranks, either way we were thrilled. I had kept myself busy that weekend thinking of our little one. I felt it was a little girl, I knew one was missing from our family, so I wanted to do a pink punch at the party, but what if it was a little boy! I couldn't have pink punch for my little boy! Orange Julius that would be perfect, didn't show any preference for a boy or girl. Those were the silly things I had been thinking about before that morning. We went into the doctors office, our ultra sound was first. There was our baby! So beautiful and perfect! Andi just kept looking at our little baby so excitedly! Something was wrong though I could tell, I could see it on the Ultrasound techs face. She was hardly talking to us, when she was usually upbeat and telling us all about what we were seeing. But she didn't say anything so I put it out of my mind, and just enjoyed watching her little heat beat. She finished and the kids were restless so Rob offered to take the kids to the car as the visit with the doctor is usually quite short after that. I sat waiting for 40 minutes for the doctor, my heart was pounding my children were in the car with Rob. I had this feeling or thought come, something was wrong something was wrong with my baby in a way that could not be fixed. And then a second thought; this is not your last one. I was almost in tears, the waiting was killing me, how were my children doing out there, my poor husband, they should have just come in with me. Then a nurse walks in and tells me the doctor just left to go deliver "Can you wait 20 minutes?" Rob was supposed to go to work in a few minutes, we already had waited so long. I explained to her that I had already been waiting and that my children and husband were in the car waiting for me and that I could not. She said she'd be right back and that my other doctor would be in to see me. A few more minutes past and then he came in, and he starting telling me about my baby. "We're seeing a few things on the ultrasound that aren't right, and unfortunately when we see more than two or three of these things it doesn't look like your baby will make it." He begins to explain all the abnormalities with our baby and asks if there is a time that my husband could come in so we can all talk about it together, I have silent tears streaming down my face, I tell him that he's just out in the car with our kids, they send a nurse out to sit with our kids so Rob can be with me and tell us the next steps we have to take for our little baby.  Rob comes in unsure of why, because he can't stop thinking I just saw the heartbeat what could be wrong? I again hear the grim diagnosis of our little one and they tell us we will immediately want a second opinion and want us to see a high risk specialist as soon as possible. We ask if they were at least able to see if our baby was a boy or girl, they tell us that she is just too swollen, and that we can just leave no need to check out with the ladies at the front that they will take care of everything including making the appointment with the high risk specialist and will call us as soon as they have everything done. We leave unsure of what to tell the kids. Rob takes the day off work and we talk to our children about our little one and let them know that the baby is sick, but with few answers for ourselves we can hardly answer theirs. That day was spent in prayer in gratitude for our little one, asking for peace and comfort. And a miracle. All day long the tears would come and go, we sent a text message out and told them that we wouldn't be having a party that night, they couldn't see the gender and nothing else. The appointment was set for first thing the next morning, thank heavens because I don't think that we could have waited any longer. We left our oldest children with our neighbor as we drove bright and early to Idaho Falls. We saw the ultrasound, they explained in greater detail what was happening with our little one. She has cystic hygroma, two large cysts growing on the back of her neck that are filled with fluid, that fluid is leaking into her cavities around her lungs and heart. The pressure that puts on the heart will eventually stop it. It's also what is causing her to be so swollen, and we still couldn't see the gender. They wanted to do a test that would require amniotic fluid, however she had very little. Her cysts were pushing her little head against me causing her to only have access to about 2 tablespoons of fluid, and if we tried that test we would most likely only seal her fiat. So they asked if they could do a different blood test, one where they would try to find enough of my child's blood out of mine that they could find the cause of her cystic hygroma. They told us it could be one of three chromosomal disorders. Only one of which would give her any chance at life. Because of how swollen the baby was we couldn't see all of the vital organs, we had no idea. They told us it would be a huge miracle if she made it to delivery, and that we could have anywhere between hours and months with our little one. We left feeling like we had more questions then when we went in! We sat most of the day feeling every kick every movement we possibly could. We chose names, I started to work on crocheting two small blankets, one if it was a boy, one for a girl. Planning for the worst, and still hopeful for the best. I had to go back into my doctor's office in Rexburg the next day to discuss the specialist findings and to come up with a plan for our baby. As we went in they told us that they believed with from what they had seen and with the specialists findings that our baby had 1-2 weeks top and then I would have to go in a deliver a child I would never hold alive. They gave us the option of being induced, for my health. I couldn't do it, I couldn't think of ending that sweet heart beat no matter what. We asked for an ultrasound so that we would be able to see her just once more alive. The ultra sound tech was so sweet she just stayed there till after 6pm giving us almost an hour long ultrasound. We saw her beautiful hand it was so perfect it looked just like Nuel's tiny and chubby. She made us a video and printed off pictures, I am so overwhelmingly grateful for them.  Because they only gave her a couple of weeks we were to come in every day to every other day and check her. We waited on pins and needles to hear the results of the test, find out if we were having a girl or boy. On Wednesday two days before we were supposed to hear back (at the earliest) I got a call from the specialists office. It's a girl, we were having a little girl we had chosen a girls name before we became pregnant, but it wasn't fitting for her. We chose Evelyn Grace Doty. Evelyn was to be the middle name originally it means life, and she has truly given us new life and new purpose and new hope. She has Turner Syndrome, the only one that gave her any chance at life. The doctor asked us how bad my bleeding or cramps were, I told her I haven't had any, that she's an active little girl and that Rob was still able to feel her. She was very surprised, and said who knows maybe she's resolving her cystic hygroma. They wanted us to come back in and see how she was doing with them as soon as possible which happened to be Monday. We were so excited once again, ignoring the fact that we both had felt she would not make it and that was okay. We still prayed for a miracle ignoring the fact that Evelyn was already a miracle! We got into the office and had to wait for about an hour to be seen! We were dying. We got in there and as soon as they started the ultrasound I knew. I knew a lot of what they would tell me and I knew she would not make it. The specialist began to explain that she was in critical condition and that she would most likely pass within the week. He explained that the swelling had gotten significantly worse than it was just the almost two weeks before. She was so much more swollen. The fluid was pooling and was continuing to cause problems with her major organs. Instead of seeing four chambers to her heart, two were being completely cut off, leaving the other half of her heart to work much harder. The doctor apologized for the bad news and asked if we had any questions. We really didn't have any. We left quickly and go to the car and just wanted to break down. That was it. There was no way for her to make it through this and we knew it. Not because it was impossible but that a loving Heavenly Father was looking out for us and taking care of us and it was not best for her to come right now. Evelyn is our little girl we know that she will be part of our family forever. We have been so blessed throughout this experience and even though it's hard and it sucks, we have been able to feel the love of our Heavenly Father. She has changed our lives forever.
Written Days Later...
Some days are better than others, some days it just smacks you in the face that it could be my last day with Evelyn. That it might be the last kick I ever feel. However I am continually reminded that we hope to endure things, that trials are all blessings and all that all we go through is necessary for our salvation. And I am so blessed to have my wonderful Hubby to be there with me, that we can support and lift each other up. This is an experience that a loving Heavenly Father has picked out just for us and our family, even though I am definitely not the first to experience this and surely not the last, everyones experience is still different and this is tailor made for us, to give us experience. I am so grateful for it. But I am still so scared, I am so scared to deliver my sweet child. I am terrified of saying good bye for a time when we lay her to rest.  I am still taking it one day at a time and pray for her continually. I don't want her to feel pain and most of all I want what is best for her, and I don't know what that is, there is only One who does and His will be done.
She is continuing to surprise everyone with the fact that she is still here at all. Thank you to all who have prayed for, fasted for and put her name in the temple. She is fighting, she is fighting hard to stay with us a little longer.

Nuel Benjamin

I am just now getting around to telling Nuel's birth story, but when you're done reading hopefully you'll understand why it took me so long! haha

So on December 15th I went to the doctor's office for my usual appointment and they checked me and I was at a 5 and about 85-90% effaced, and having contractions about every 20mins. (I had been having regular contractions for DAYS and it was getting ridiculous!) I have a history of fast deliveries so I was feeling like they should strip my membranes or just break my water or there was just no way I would make it to the hospital. I just asked if there was anything they could do because they monitor the baby for an hour at all of my appointments and noticed my contractions were still coming but they said that they couldn't because office policy wouldn't allow them too. They also sent me to get an ultrasound and found that he has NO room left inside me and that he should come out soon. The ultrasound tech giggled at the thought of me going another week and laughed out loud at the thought of me going to 40 weeks. So with my pelvis pulled apart as far as it could they sent me home with this advise. "if you feel anything different just go into labor and delivery and get checked, really just go into labor and delivery whenever you feel like it, just go in and get checked at least once a day if you need to." or my personal favorite "Call 9-1-1 if you go into labor, so you don't have the baby in the house or car." Needless to say I cried, I have never wanted the stress of a home birth, I can just see it now, my two toddlers trying to figure out what the heck is coming out of Mommy, Rob freaking out because the kids are trying to help and I am having a baby and not in the hospital! The idea to me is ridiculous, I know some women want it or love it, but I am NOT one of them and will never be one of them! I like the security of the hospital, that there are trained professionals there to help assist and if anything should go wrong there is equipment there to help me and the baby. So I went home upset and called a friend to come watch the kids so that I could go on a date with my Hubby because I needed some time with him to feel comforted. My contractions were still coming all through the date and I was exhausted from the continual attack on my body, so we went home. Around 2 in the morning I was still having contractions and they were 2-4 mins apart (this had happened a few times so I was worried they would still send me home and I would just be home and in pain not having the baby) So finally I decided alright lets go in (that was around 3 or 4am)

We get to the hospital and they check me still 5 and 90% (My thought - great here they go just going to send me home again) But we got lucky and the nurse was like let's monitor you for an hour and see what your contractions do, well after an hour I was still contracting every 2 mins but I didn't dilate any further, so she suggested that I walk around for an hour or so and then get monitored again, So I did it was horrible but we went to get checked again after the hour of walking and still very little change so they had me be monitored for an hour but about 30 mins or so into the monitoring I start getting VERY painful contractions and the nurse decided to get the doctor to see is she would strip my membranes because I was just not dilating anymore and clearly in labor and pain. The doctor came in looked at my stuff goes to check me/strip my membranes if needed and as soon as she checks me she tells me I'm at 7.5!! Yah! We were officially getting admitted about 7:30am!

Once I'm in the room and have my IV in I feel like I need to push, they check me and I'm at 9.5, I have really enjoyed giving birth naturally because as soon as your done your done! But I was really tried and wanted some sort of break/relief before I had to push so we decide to get a shot called an intrathecal it's supposed to be a "quick" shot in the back (the needle doesn't stay in you like an epidural) and take 5-10 mins before you feel relief and last for about an hour. And because I was at 9.5 I really didn't have any other pain relief options. I was already exhausted so decided to do it hoping that I would get enough relief to have energy to push.

I am stuck at 9.5 they can't figure out why my one side won't open fully and they don't want me to push, I am waiting to get a shot and fighting the urge to push (which is definitely way more painful then pushing to me) I finally get the shot and they try moving my uterus to get me fully opened, I get to 10 and the shot still hasn't kicked in. So I start pushing and (with my first two I pushed a total of 6-7 times all together) I push for about a half hour and they ask me if I want a break (I am like NO WAY, it's time to get this kid out of me!) and I am just starting to feel the shot kick in! After another 15mins or so he's finally here, a pound and a half bigger than my other two and just perfect! I had to stay in the delivery room for some extra time because I started to hemorrhage and needed to be taken care of/monitored before they could move me.

No words describe the feeling of bringing life into the world, seeing the joy in your husbands face as he holds his little one for the first time. It doesn't matter if it's your 1st or 3rd (I can't speak for any further than that :) but it's amazing. Knowing how absolutely perfect he is and loving him more than life itself and just an incredible overwhelming feeling of love, joy, and comfort. We are so grateful for the blessing of little Nuel in our home.

Now for the part of the story of why it took me so long to write all this! Shortly after delivery I developed an incredible headache, they brought in the anesthesiologists who gave me my shot and lucky goose me I am the 1% who get spinal headaches from the shot and they can't do anything about it till I've had it for 48 hours, and I will not stay there for 48 hours (even though they kept offering it to me) I wanted to get home to my children as soon as possible. Nuel had to get looked at by the pediatrician before we leave and she comes in and looks at his chart and says "this baby is 37 weeks?" I just tell that's what they tell me, and she's like well he looks more mature than the 41 week baby next door. So we were happy to hear that he's absolutely perfect and good to go home. We go home Saturday afternoon, and are so happy to see the kids (they only saw us for a short visit while we were in the hospital.) My headache is still killing me but I am so happy to be home with my babies I try to ignore it. Sunday comes and I feel pretty good we get to see some family who come to visit Mr. Nuel and it was just a nice day. Monday comes and I am dying literally can't do anything so my sweet in-laws take Rocky and Andi before Rob had to go to work so that I could hopefully get better by that night I am in so much pain and then the left side of my face starts to go numb. I call the doctor and ask if I should go in to the ER or make an appointment or what because it's freaking me out that the left side of me is going numb. They tell me to do neither but to call 9-1-1, so I call Rob at work and tell me what's going on and he heads home immediately and got home shortly after the paramedics. They are okay with my vital signs but aren't super happy with my blood pressure or the fact that I am going numb so they test me for stroke, (multiple times.) Then they decide that we need to go to the hospital, luckily Rob was home so he took Nuel and got him in his car seat and was able to follow the ambulance to the hospital. After testing me for stroke again at the hospital and my numbness levels they decide that it's not a stroke but that they don't know why I am going numb besides that it could be my body responding to the pain level from my headache and decide that I need a blood patch in my back, to fix my spinal headache. Unfortunately there are no anesthesiologists available to fix me that night so they let me go home and tell me to be back at the hospital at 8:00am the next morning to have a blood patch done. So I get to the hospital and finally get a blood patch, which really kinda sucks they give you a few shots in your back to numb you and then give you an epidural except instead of giving you medicine they put your own blood in you to fill the hole that is allowing you to loose spinal fluid. After letting me "set" for a couple hours they send me home and I am not allowed to do ANYTHING, the most I'm allowed to do is pick up Nuel (and say only when I have to) and continue to not do anything for 48 hours. My in-laws keep the kids because Rob had to work so that I could follow the doctors orders and get better. Luckily the blood patch worked and all I had was a sore back after the first day! (I had a lot of shots there)

After that we had just a couple days before it was Christmas so we were busy Rob with work and me wrapping and cleaning and being together for the holidays! Which is another story.

Needless to say I would do it all over again to have our little Nuel here, but don't want to be pregnant again for a LONG time...

Waitin' on Baby

Well we've been at 3cm and 80% for about 2 weeks now with no change. (boo) Which I guess is a good thing because when I went grocery shopping I filled my freezer and haven't been able to make my freezer meals yet because theres no room for them! But I have my hospital bag all nice and packed! Baby Blankets are made burp rags and finished and the only thing I could possibly do more to prepare for him is to buy him an outfit that matches his siblings for Christmas! (I probably will because I love the kids in their new shirts (or whole outfits as maybe necessary) for Christmas!) They just look so cute! Who knows maybe I'll go crazy and get Rob and I shirts or sweaters to match too!

We are ALL getting our hair cut today! I am a little nervous (not really nervous but I can't think of a better word) for little Miss Andi to get her hair cut for the first time EVER!! But she's over two and needs it so I decided that instead of me cutting it I would take her to my hair appointment and let her get it done. So Rocky will get his hair cut this afternoon (by me) and then the rest of us are going in to get it done. (Rob can't always have his hair cut by me because 1 I don't like doing it 2 he has SO MUCH hair we need to thin it out every time, but I can't do that (so we do every other hair cut) 3 We really love Clarisa doing our hair!

I got a hair cut that was really bad a few months ago and I have been growing my hair out and Clarisa did a GREAT job fixing it but I still hate the cut it's just not me and I don't like it at all. It's not bad (especially if you would have seen the before, that was HORRID!!) but it's not a cut that I would EVER choose for me and I find it really annoying and just hate it. I've also (before the horrible hair cut) started to grow my hair back out, and now I don't know what to do suffer thru the hair style I don't like or cut it short again into a style I do like. So I'll post pictures of what I decide because at this point I have no idea what to do!

** I wrote the above a few days ago and can't find my camera cord so no pictures sorry! **

Basically you can count this as a separate post...

So here we are about 4 cm and 80%. This is taking forever! I have NEVER felt THIS uncomfortable in a pregnancy, he's really making me want to never get pregnant again...

I now go to the doctor twice a week, and it stinks I get to be monitored for an hour and the bands that they wrap around your belly are HORRIBLE!! (Someone please invent something different to go on the belly when they are monitoring your contractions and babies heart beat!) whoever did the ones they currently have I think were thinking "huh, how can we make a pregnant woman going into labor more uncomfortable?" Because there's just no way to feel comfortable with those around my enormous belly. I also get an ultrasound as well once a week which is fun, unless it takes the full 30mins and then it stinks... because you have to lay uncomfortably while they watch my babies lungs in action.

On the brighter side I get checked twice a week... (I guess it might be a little brighter if there was actual change (like enough that we'd be having the baby) I have LOTS of (awesome) contractions and they get regular and stay regular (about every 5 mins) for about 2 hours and then they begin to get further apart so that has been frustrating. I get so excited like alright time to call Rob and then they stop and I just want to cry.

Crying has been a higher on the list of things that happen lately, because I am so fat and uncomfortable I just don't know what to do, my skin is so tight that it's itchy and just makes you feel like you can't relax! I NEVER sleep, it has been virtually impossible to sleep for more than an hour or so at a time. So now night time and I have a love/hate relationship because I am just so ready for it because I am exhausted but then I can't sleep and can't get comfortable! I guess most people have stopped reading long ago because let's face it this whole post has pretty much been a Sireena let's it all out time.

So let's get to the cute things in life, like how my cutie son wakes up every morning and goes to the Christmas tree and says "Merry Christmas." He also like's to rein-act Mickey's Christmas Carol by putting a key in me (like Scrooge does when he opens the door) he then has me say "Scrooooooooge" and then he (acting as Scrooge) says "Jacob Marley? NO! it can't be!!" then he squeezes my nose and wants my to shout "Ouch!" Sometimes the roles are reversed but either way it's one of the cutest things I have ever seen!

Andi has a long list of things she's afraid of; leaves, turkeys (not real ones fake ones) and Spiders! We have a bad habit of occasionally teasing her and getting a little piece of lint and blowing it in her direction while we yell "Oh No! Spider!" Rocky thinks it's HILARIOUS! Andi screams and cries (a lot) we really need to get it on video! She is our chatty little girl she tells us about everything and all her emotions and tells us what everything is! She never stops talking and 95% of the time I LOVE it!

Well my children and now up from quiet time and it's time to get back to them so the next update will probably/hopefully be announcing our little one has FINALLY arrived!

Food, Wrapping and so much More!

So we ended up in the Labor and Delivery department last week due to some severe pain, and SURPRISE you're already dilated to a 3 and 80% effaced so I had to be monitored for a while. Luckily I didn't continue to progress after an hour so I was able to go home but now knowing that I am moving fast and the nurse predicted a couple weeks tops before I deliver I have A LOT to do! So today I started making my grocery list for all the freezer meals I need to make (hopefully I will get them done this weekend) so that my family will actually eat healthy, warm meals. I think I got a good mix in there so they don't get bored. I also made a grocery list for my children's lunches. I am going to pre-make a bunch and freeze/refrigerate them so that I can easily feed them once this little guy is here. That doesn't sound like much but it took me a little while to finish those lists! haha (I'll take pictures to share once I finish them! It should be interesting!)

I also started to pack my hospital bag. I had a great list when I had my first child and couldn't find it, I have pregnant brain and can't remember what I usually pack or what I wanted! So I started looking all over the internet for a good list... I decided that it doesn't exists, and then I found an okay list from a UK hospital site. Needless to say I had to make my own list; and since I have a few pregnant friends I'll share:

Mommy:

Panties (make sure they are comfy)

Pads (I am not the biggest fan of the ones the hospital gives you)

Nursing pads

Nursing Bra

Facial wipes

Make-up

Shampoo/Conditioner

Pony tail/bobby pins

Suckers

PJ's (I bought a pair of nursing PJ's just incase I am there longer than expected)

Brush

Lotion

Tooth Brush

Tooth Paste

Mouth Wash

Tissues

Deodorant

Going home outfit (something comfy!)

Lanolin cream (I only used it with my first but thought I'd add it for everyone else)

Snacks (I put just something small that I love to eat in my bag because I don't like hospital food)

Daddy:

Tooth Brush

Tooth Paste

Mouth Wash

Deodorant

Hair Glue (or gel or whatever if your Hubby is like mine he appreciates this addition)

PJ's

Extra Shirt

Extra set of Underclothing

Snacks (I have him pick out a few things to stick in the bag, hospital food sucks)

Baby:

Blanket

A couple outfits (I pack a newborn and a 0-3 months size) - to go home in

Onesies

Burp cloth (just because I like mine)

Car Seat

Last Minute Grabs:

Camera

Phone

Phone Charger

I think that's about everything that's in my bag. But I'll add something if I think of it. (My bag is not that big (it's a small duffle bag) it just sounds like a lot, and I get travel sized pretty much everything.)

Now It's time to start wrapping all the Christmas presents for the children so that it's not done last minute and I am not stressed about it. I feel lucky that I finished the kids Christmas shopping weeks ago!

I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday and we'll see how everything's going then, because you never know, this little boy could all the sudden decide that he is comfy in there and is just settling in and could hold out for 3-4 more weeks or go nuts and wait the full 5 weeks! Lot's to do to get ready for this little boy and we are so excited to meet him.

Husband

I have the most wonderful, Amazing, INCREDIBLE, husband ever! He has been so great the past few weeks as my pain intensifies and things keep getting left undone. Not only is he going to school full-time, but he's also working, and last night was in-particularly hard. I couldn't sleep and I was in a lot of pain, he got up to get me a warm rag and drink of water. Then he got up with the kids changed diapers/underwear got them a movie going and all settled in while he got ready for work, so that I could sleep longer! And if that weren't enough he also unloaded the dish washer and put the couple of dishes I left in the sink last night in! He's such a sweet help and keeps rubbing my feet or back and trying to keep me comfortable. I love him so much and am so grateful for the wonderful Husband and Father he is. I am so blessed with such a wonderful little family, and I can't imagine what life would be like without him.

Thank you Honey for all the hard work you do for our family. You make us all so happy and comfortable. I am so relieved that I get to spend eternity with you. I can't think of anything better! You are amazing! I love you fiercely!