Friday, January 1, 2016

A Happy New Years

New Year's is a different time for everyone, some making goals, others celebrating the year before and other various activities. I decided to write. I haven't written in a while. Since loosing Evelyn, I so joyfully share that we have welcomed twin boys. God has blessed our family again and again.We also moved across the country since I last wrote, my husband accepting a job that provides for our family and we feel blessed. New Year's reminds me of that. It also reminds that another year has gone by and I still miss my darling little angel.

It's hard to describe the feeling of having held your child moments after giving birth (even knowing she's already gone) and still feeling blessed, and painful loss. I still wonder what she looks like, if she was the one who broke the blonde train and was a beautiful brunette. There are every day reminders, not painful just reminders. I smile when thinking of her, my newly turned four year old comes every night without fail and asks for cuddles, or kisses, or hugs, but mostly cuddles. I cannot help but give in, I think of Evelyn and how I'd give most anything to feel her sweet arms around me and whisper to her how much she is loved. But I know she knows, even though I cried that I wasn't there to put a gift on her grave this year or have her siblings draw her pictures and sing her songs of Christ's Birth.
I wish I could have held her longer, closer though I held her longer than anyone, felt her more. We didn't share this news with anyone, but I miscarried last month. We had decided we were done after the twins and this little one was a beautiful surprise. My due date would have been in early August. I was again thinking of baby names and planning how on earth I was going to do this so far from family and friends. I realized that the timing could not have been more perfect and God was watching over us. Thinking over it, I know it still can be no other way, God is mindful of us, he knows me. He sees me cry and sends comfort, overwhelmingly as I ask. I know my pregnancy stats leave a lot to be desired at 5 losses and 4 to bringing Heavenly Fathers children into my home, but I am blessed. I know it, and I am grateful.

That brings me back to the New Year, though over two years have gone by since she left us I miss her. I can't help it, I wouldn't want to. Because she also reminds me its a new year to come closer to Christ, it's a new time to more fully serve those around me including my family. That doesn't mean doing more, but better at making the best choice, (or even sometime the better one)  It's a time I remember I am a year closer to her, because as I grow closer to my Savior I grow closer to my goal of having an eternal family. Though I am literally crying as I write this I feel joy, because God has granted me more time to learn and grow to be worthy of being her mother. Of being the mother to five incredible and beautiful children who are growing so fast I am amazed! This New Years, if you're like me and weep a bit here and there, know you are not alone.  And if you would like join me in counting your blessings, "name them one by one..." I know you can feel joy as well, even amidst sadness. I'll be counting Evelyn twice, without her I would not have learned so many lessons, as I continue to do.

This isn't at all how I planned this post to go, so hopefully it's something someone needed. If not, I'll still be here counting my blessings;

  1. A loving Heavenly Father
  2. Jesus Christ
  3. The Holy Ghost
  4. Rocky 
  5. Andi
  6. Noodle
  7. Evelyn
  8. Evelyn
  9. Ethan 
  10. Henry 
  11. Robert 
  12. Kara 
  13. Rocky
  14. Nuel 
  15. Marlene
  16. Nicole
  17. Whitney
  18. Heather
  19. Carisa 
  20. Angela
  21. Desiree
  22. Orion
  23. Kaysha
  24. Lynn
  25. Darrell
  26. Robert
  27. MacKay
  28. Nick
  29. James
  30. Hyrum
  31. pregnancy number 2
  32. pregnancy number 3
  33. pregnancy number 6
  34. pregnancy number 9
  35. Family- because I am blessed with a large extended one
  36. The Book of Mormon
  37. Thomas S Monson
  38. Henry B Eyring
  39. The missionaries
  40. My husbands job
  41. That I get to be a stay at home mom, as my choice
  42. my home, with a roof over my head and modern conveniences 
  43. that my children have never been hungry
  44. that I can/do feed others
  45. Scriptures
  46. Church
  47. Service men and women
  48. Those who fight for good, i.e. Tim Ballard and OUR rescue
  49. Authors 
  50. (I'll have to name a few specific) Sarah M Eden
  51. Jen Turano (who made me laugh first after loosing Evelyn)
  52. Jennifer Moore
  53. Julianne Donaldson
  54. Melissa Jaegers 
  55. Carla Kelly
  56. This could really go on for a while with authors so last one for now, Karen Witemeyer 
  57. Air conditioning that keeps me and my children comfortable in the florida heat!
  58. History and historic sites near my home
  59. General Conference.... 

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